How Have I Ruined My Child?

Mar 23, 2021

Let’s find out the team's thoughts on this!



When We Fight, Who Throws In The Towel? 

It’s unavoidable, really. The fights, the bickering, the rising tensions and then the resolve. Children see it all. Absorb it all. I remember the fights were more intense when they were young, when I was young... when we were all young. The exchange of words was stronger followed by the silent treatment, it used to be longer. 

What I appreciate about my children's father is that he has mellowed a lot since then. The other day he was telling our son, in a seemingly innocent manner, “Son, in my years of marriage I have learned, your wife will love and appreciate you easily when you start the sentence calmly with, help me understand you better.” Our son is 15, and I appreciate these conversations between father and son. It's crucial, having such an exchange of intellectual thought processes. He engages them in cooking, cleaning, playing games. Requesting them to make him coffee and tea and go grocery shopping with them. He asks for their opinions and seeks their advice. He gives them choices and reprimands them when needed. I am grateful that he has not thrown in the towel, ever. He made sure he took the lead with grace and patience. He put back the towel, washed, cleaned and nicely folded, always. 🙂

Urdu Adventures

“Tie your camel first, and then put your trust in Allah.”

When my daughter started school she would cry in the morning. It took her a while to get use to it. I thought I was wrong to send her to school. When my youngest went to school she didn’t look back, ran straight in. I thought quietly to myself, does she hate home life? I thought maybe I am not doing enough “fun” stuff with them at home.

When my older daughter is seen by members of our community in her football kit I can see them looking at me thinking I am ruining her. Now my younger one wants to do ballet (not sure how I will get out of that one). As parents we are always trying to do our best and we are constantly doubting our decisions and thinking “have I damaged or ruined my child”. The truth is we can only do our best, make dua and guide our children and keep learning in the process, right?


I Really Struggled With This One

We are all doing our best and for me as a home educator and teacher to say that I have somehow ruined my children’s life is difficult to admit. However, I am doing a rapid check in my mind of a 1000 examples I can give you because one thing we can all be sure of is that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We are all surviving in a rapidly changing parenting landscape and the blasted goal posts keep moving. 🙈

I practice attachment parenting, I co-sleep, breastfeed, baby-wear and I was generally known as a hippy type, crunchy mama when they were younger. I used to blend organic chia seeds and vegetables in their food (which by the way if you hide in things like pasta sauce, is a good way to sneak protein and essential vitamins in to them) but I would have to say I have ruined my kids by letting them convince me that now they’re older they can have fizzy drinks and take out. In my minds eye, I often see my younger self shaking my head disapprovingly at myself (oops!).

I struggle all the time with their fussiness over food and whereas in the past I would be more strict, now I let them walk all over me. They’ve taught my nearly 4 year old to say ‘my baby tummy is hurting’ which just melts my heart and I can’t say no to them, I know I should be more strict and I reason with myself that they are suffering with a lack of attention due to my crazy workload, I guess I need to remind myself that I’m doing the best I can and we do balance it out with time outside walking and swimming. But it doesn’t help the mummy guilt now does it?

I guess I’ll have to renew my intentions and try again next week 🤷🏾.

Looking forward to some Harira soup in Ramadan - that's the only time they eat it!

MyMoon Online

Did I Ruin My Children?

"I have ruined my children." Honestly, this thought ran through my mind many times. My life had been turned upside down especially during my divorce. I kept questioning myself.

Have I done the right thing?

Will my kids blame me one day?

Alhamdulillah. I had a dream to build a happy, Islamic family especially as a revert, I was super keen to make everything perfect.

Sadly it came out that my ex husband was completely overwhelmed by becoming a father. He literally ran away, lived abroad and we had seen him for just a couple of weeks per year. When he was there we were arguing in front of the kids. All in all it was the opposite of a happy and Islamic family. After I made this step to leave this marriage I was full of self-doubt. Islamically and psychologically I was sad that I couldn’t provide my kids the classic happy family life.

Now, looking back it was the best decision I have ever made for myself and especially for my kids. Kids are clever! Even if they are small they know mummy is struggling with an unhealthy relationship, which in future also affects their connection to relationships. Alhamdullilah. I realised I can also have a happy, Islamic family even as a single mum with two kids.

I haven’t ruined them. I have shown them not to stay with somebody who is not good for you. I have shown that we can also be a happy family without a father!

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